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This is from one of my favorite writers at awomanthatfearsthelord.com

How Far Should a Wife Submit in marriage?

Part 1

How should a godly woman respond if her husband has asked her to do something that she believes is sin? What if she has no ‘peace’ about the circumstances but he still insists? How far does she submit? These questions troubled me as a young wife but I was unable to come to a biblical conclusion. The scriptures have plenty of examples of wives in subjection but we find few examples of those who refused. After many years of study on this topic I believe I finally gained some answers in this area several years ago, but as always I ask that you prayerfully consider what I am sharing and seek the Scriptures for yourself.

The following passage from Ephesians 5:20-24 is full of instruction concerning the 1) attitude 2) manner 3) limitation and 4) extent of our submission as wives.

1) The ATTITUDE of our heart:
Ephesians 5:20 Giving THANKS ALWAYS FOR ALL THINGS unto God and the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ;

2) The MANNER in which we perform the submission:
v.21. Submitting yourselves one to another IN THE FEAR OF THE LORD.

3) LIMITATIONS
v.22. Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, AS UNTO THE LORD.

4) EXTENT
v.24. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands IN EVERYTHING.

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Ephesians 5:22 is the typical scripture used for submission but the beginning thoughts start in verse 17-20. Notice the semi-colon which is used to join the related sentences together.

I. The Attitude: “giving thanks for all things” v. 20

Being able to give thanks can only flow from a heart that has trust in it’s Creator. It’s easy to thank God when our husbands are godly and love us as Christ loves the church! But, how do we reconcile this scripture to a life that is filled with the pain of unwise decisions made by a spouse, whether he’s a Christian or not? Could the ALL THINGS include husbands who are not saved and live a lifestyle of sin in front of their children? Or husbands who seem to not be taking the lead in their families causing a wife to feel as if she’s carrying the whole load?

The Strong’s definition for “all” (#3956 ) says that all things means ‘whole, every, all, any, whosoever’. To me that says that in the midst of every trial, and for everyone, I am to give thanks.

How can we thank God for the people and circumstances that cause us so much pain? This can only come by believing and trusting in God’s sovereignty and goodness. There are no accidents in God’s world. All is under the control of an almighty and powerful God.

Dan 4:35 – “And all the inhabitants of the earth are accounted as nothing, but He does according to His will in the host of heaven and {among} the inhabitants of earth; and no one can ward off His hand or say to Him, ‘What hast Thou done?’

To say that God is sovereign is to declare that He is the Almighty, the Possessor of all power in heaven and earth, so that none can defeat His counsels, thwart His purpose, or resist His will (Ps. 115:3)

Our hearts can only rest in our daily, sometimes painful, circumstances if our faith is resting in the character of God. [2] “Faith endures the hardships and difficulties of this life because it sees that all comes from the hand of a God, who is too wise to err and too loving to be unkind”. If we are focused on anything other than God during these hard times we will neither find rest nor be thankful in the midst of our circumstances.

Our hearts must be anchored to the truth of God’s Word or we will be tossed to and fro by our daily circumstances.

1. God is Sovereign (Ps. 103:19, Eph. 1:11)
2. God means this trial for my good and His glory. (Romans 8:28)

Hannah Whithall Smith once wrote, “Nothing else but this seeing God in everything will make us loving and patient with those who annoy and trouble us. They will be to us then only the instruments for accomplishing His tender and wise purposes toward us, and we shall even find ourselves at last inwardly thanking them for the blessings they bring us. Nothing else will completely put an end to all murmuring or rebellious thoughts”.

Do you find it impossible to see how God can ever use your situation for good? Then perhaps your God is too small and has become a God of your imagination instead of the powerful God that the Scriptures reveal Him to be. Once our trust is placed in God’s Word we can know that He has divinely proportioned our day to His will. He has not given me too much or too little but exactly the portion I need to expose the sin in my heart and cause me to turn to Him for strength and help. (Psalm 16:5) .

2. “Submitting yourselves one to another.”

God has called every child of His to submission. Can you think of one person who is not called to submit? Even our husbands are called to submit under employers, government officials and church leadership. In God’s wisdom and knowledge He has assigned authorities to keep us within the boundary of our own particular calling and duty. The term submission means “to arrange under”. How am I to “arrange under” my husband ? The direction for my life must be arranged under his plans and goals, my talents and gifts to be used to promote his name and success (Pr. 31:23), my days arranged under his schedule, even my body is to be considered his and not my own mine.(1 Cor. 7:4 ) Because of the fall my old nature desires to make *me* the center of my day, instead of my husband. Daily I must die to this pull of my flesh. It’s the story of the cross of Christ lived out in each believer. My life laid down for my husband and others. It’s my gifts and talents used to benefit and promote another’s happiness, not my own. It’s giving up what I want to do at this particular moment to love and honor you for God’s glory.

II. The manner: “in the fear of God.”

The manner in which we submit is discovered in the 21st verse, “in the fear of God”. Every relationship and duty should be seasoned “in the fear of God”. The fear of God should not be the type of fear that a slave would have for his master. Slavish fear avoids doing wrong for fear of punishment. But, rather it is the type of fear that a child has towards a parent whom he loves. He obeys out of love. This is our goal although many times when we first come to God we obey out of our fear of punishment. As we come to know Him more intimately the fear becomes less as we learn to trust Him.

As we honor God’s command to submit to our husbands we are manifesting our fear of God. Our submission becomes a holy act, an offering of worship because our husbands bear the image of Christ in their position. God has the power to place his image in whom he desires and that position should be acknowledged. “For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church” Eph 5:23

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How Far does a Wife Submit? Part 2

III. The Limitations: “as unto the Lord”

Verse 22 goes on to explain the limitations of our submission. In the Greek, “as to the Lord” (3) does not express that the wife’s obedience to her husband is to be as unconditional as her submission to the Lord. What this word states is that her obedience to her husband is to be considered as PART of her obedience to the Lord.” (see Ephesians 6:5,6 and Col. 3:18) Our submission starts with God as the center of our focus, not our husbands. We obey God, thereby we submit to our husbands. Our love for our husbands is displayed by our obedience unto God. Often times we reverse this by thinking that if I obey my husband, even in the sin of breaking one of God’s commandments, then I am showing him that I love him and God. 1 John 5:2 says that the opposite is true. “By this we know that we love the children of God, when we love God, and keep his commandments” .

The limitations of this verse need to be approached with extreme caution. If our hearts have not clung to the fact that our obedience is to be done as unto to the Lord, then we can approach our husband’s decisions in an attitude of suspicion, disrespect and pride. We may begin to second guess every thing our husbands may ask of us because we fear it may be sin. We begin to fear his leadership rather than look to the position that Christ has placed him. Our duty is to submit to our husbands with an attitude of faith as our eye’s are set upon the Lord. We must know with certainty, that to disobey our husbands is a very serious matter that the Lord does not take lightly.

Oftentimes a wife may feel as if her husband is asking her to do something against the Lord’s commands because her conscience may be troubled. To be led by our feelings or conscience alone can be dangerous. Man is not bound to do everything which his conscience tells him is the will of God. His conscience is not the lawgiver, but God‘s Word. Get specific when you ‘feel’ your husband is asking you to sin. Pin it down in Scripture. Is your husband asking you to lie, steal, kill, commit adultery? Can you find a command or specific principle in Scripture to back up your uneasiness? I, personally, have never met one godly woman, who’s husband has asked her to break one of the 10 commandments, although I have heard of cases where this has been true. I have, on the other hand, met many women who may ‘feel’ that their husbands decisions are wrong and therefore have not submitted. Many times they have taken a Scripture out of context or just ‘felt’ that what he was asking was wrong.

William Gouge’s , (4) Of Domestical Duties, gives two cautions to a wife when her husband has asked her to sin against a direct commandment of God. I think there may be some wisdom here…

1. “If she is in doubt, then she must forbear the situation until he consent. The law of subjection is indefinite, the desire shall be subject to thine husband: the extent of it is general, in everything, the only reservation and exception is in the Lord: if the wife is not sure that which her husband forbids her is against the Lord, she must forbear to do it.
2. The second caution is that she labor with all meekness and gain all good means to gain her husbands consent, before she does, even that which is commanded, against his consent. Thus shall she testify her subjection both to God and her husband. To God, in that nothing can keep her from doing his express commandment: she would rather offend her husband than God, when one of them must be offended. To her husband, in that she is using every means to avoid his offense.”

How must our husbands be approached if we are in doubt whether something they are asking us to do is sin? (5) “She may reason, she may persuade, she may solicit, but if ignorance cannot be convinced, nor obstinacy turned, nor kindness conciliated, she has no resource left but to submit: and one of the finest scenes ever to be presented by the domestic economy, is that of a sensible woman employing her talents and address, not to subvert but to support the authority of a weak husband; a woman who prompts but does not command, who persuades, but does not dictate, who influences, but does not compel, and who, after taking pains to conceal her beneficent interference, submits to the authority which she has both supported and guided.”

View Love and Marriage Small Group Curriculum

IV. The Extent: “in everything”

The extent of the wife’s submission is “in everything. That is, the subjection is not limited to any one sphere or department, but extends to all. The wife is not subject as to some things, and independent as to others, but she is subject as to all. This, of course, does not mean that the authority of the husband is unlimited. She may not make decisions against her husbands wishes concerning the children, decisions relating to money, household goods, entertainment of guests or where they live, vows or commitments .

The ‘in everything’ has been confusing to me. I could not see the difference between a husband asking a wife to break one of the 10 commandments compared to him making a decision for the family that she might see as unwise or ungodly. After searching scriptures and reviewing commentaries, all agreed that for her to personally sin is different than if a decision is made for the household and children for that is the husbands sphere of government. If he makes a decision for the family that is wrong, he will have to carry the responsibility of that decision, unless she is actually committing a sin. ( Acts. 5:2) This does not release the woman from any obligation. She is called to appeal to her husband, seek the Lord’s protection for her family, to pray for her husband and to fast in faith that the Lord may change his heart . Our appeal must be done in a spirit of meekness and gentleness. (Gal. 6:1) Yet, she personally must not sin. (Of course, we are not talking about sin being DONE to children in a sexual manner or a child being physically abused. A wife is obligated to protect her child (and herself) from such mistreatment).

True, godly submission goes beyond the so called ‘guidelines’ listed above. It is a matter of the heart. Do we aim to please Christ in this relationship above our ownselves? Do we desire to please even our husbands unspoken wishes as unto the Lord? Many women have shared that their husbands refuse to show any signs of leadership in the homes. I’ve asked if their husbands have a favorite meal? Or a meal that they dislike? Do they seem irritated when they have to ‘hunt’ for a clean shirt? Do they like to have dinner on time? Over the years a wife can ‘mute’ her husbands leadership just by not paying attention to their wishes. Eventually the husbands will stop expressing his likes and dislikes. We believe that it is because they have no backbone, but most of the time it’s because a wife has intimidated them into submission by their hurtful words, moodiness or lack of attention to what pleases him. Start noticing your husband’s unspoken wishes. Begin to build him up again in this area of leadership. Make your top priority of the day what pleases him the most. That’s what you would do if it were the Lord that you were serving, right? If the Lord lived in your home and you knew that he enjoyed his meals on time, then what would your attitude be towards when and how you served Him that meal? Put what makes your husband happy, first as if it were the Lord asking you .

My final thoughts bring me back to our faith in God. Must our first reactions towards our husbands requests always be NO! What about prayer and trust in God? I wonder what would happen in our homes if instead of immediately and disrespectfully saying NO, we quieted our hearts and prayed for God’s hand to move in our behalf. God just might call us ‘the daughters of Sarah’. 1 Peter 3:6

1. The Sovereignty of God by Arthur Pink
2. The Sovereignty of God by Arthur Pink
3. Charles Hodge, Commentaries on Ephesians (Simpsonville, SC: Christian Classics Foundation) 1997
4. Of Domestical Duties by William Gouge . 1622.
5. “A Help to Domestic Happiness”
6. Charles Hodge, Commentaries on Ephesians (Simpsonville, SC: Christian Classics Foundation)1997

Copyright 1998. Georgene Girouard. You may reproduce these pages in their entirety along with Part 1.